Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
