she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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