Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
