I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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