so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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