seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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