I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
