Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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