the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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