who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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