Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
