Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
