I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
