if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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