I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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