just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
