I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
