I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
