it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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