I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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