it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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