If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
