Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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