my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
