I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
