My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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