i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
