Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
