I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
