When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
