I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
she woke up with a sticky ear
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
