overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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