if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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