life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
