The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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