I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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