if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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