I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
