News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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