Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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