Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
