JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
