I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
