A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
