My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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