I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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