I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
