My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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