Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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