If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
