roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
