Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
