dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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