All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
