hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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