I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
