do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
