Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
